“You can get pregnant, you just can’t stay pregnant.” ~Every doctor to me

I’ve held onto so much shame around my experiences over the last year and a half. Every month of 2022 seemed to be met with an even harder challenge. Processing my first pregnancy loss. Nobody tells you how devastating and shocking it feels to go in for an ultrasound and leave hearing you need an emergency D&C because of an ectopic pregnancy.

I felt ignorant and stupid for thinking this pregnancy would be easy, that since I had a child already, that somehow meant I was immune to any potential risk.

But then it just kept getting worse.

Amanda Full with her daughter - The Double Rainbow: When You Can Get Pregnant but Can't Stay Pregnant

Author’s Personal Collection/Amanda Full

The next time I got pregnant, I made sure to wait longer before sharing the news. I had the ultrasound, saw the cute little heartbeat, and was reassured the baby was where it needed to be. I went in for a follow-up with a plan: when they print these photos, I’m going to text my best friends and tell them. But I was once again texting them the news that, for some unexplained reason, my body hated me so much that I was losing another pregnancy. That one was weird. To go from dealing with pregnancy symptoms for almost the whole first trimester to being asked how I wanted to terminate my pregnancy was a whirlwind. “But I was so close to the second trimester. I almost made it.” Nobody had answers, and you could tell nobody had hope.

I remember the morning of my second D&C. I think I cried harder than I ever have. I remember sobbing, telling this little guy inside of me that I was sorry my body failed him. That it was all my fault.

Amanda Full doing yoga - The Double Rainbow: When You Can Get Pregnant but Can't Stay Pregnant

Author’s Personal Collection/Amanda Full

Three months later, I became pregnant again.

This pregnancy has been scary. And hard. I’ve spent the majority of my days figuring out how to avoid thinking about being pregnant while also not being able to get it off my mind. I hide underneath my clothing in an attempt to avoid looking pregnant so people don’t ask things like, “Is this your first?!” My stomach drops as I reply, “No, my second,” when the reality is that this is my fourth time being pregnant, and I only have one child to show for it.

“Do you know if you’re having a boy or girl?” (No, I’m too scared to find out because then it’ll be more real, and that means it’ll hurt even more if something goes wrong). Everyone has the sweetest, most genuine intentions, yet the complexity of these seemingly innocent questions takes up so much emotional real estate in my mind.

Overcome Rainbow bracelet - The Double Rainbow: When You Can Get Pregnant but Can't Stay Pregnant

Author’s Personal Collection/Amanda Full

This little human is coming next month, and I’m horrified and a little excited.

I don’t feel ashamed for feeling this way anymore, though. This shit sucks. Nothing about it has been easy. I was forced to heal in ways that I never anticipated having to heal, but I know I’ll get through it. And I want other people to know they’re not alone because I know that I hadn’t ever felt more alone and misunderstood than I have this past year and a half, and it didn’t do my mind very much good. So, here we are. If anyone is struggling or knows someone who is struggling, reach out.

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