Dear Rainbow Baby,
As October draws to a close, I wanted to check in with you. I know we speak about this often but I need to say it again. I may miss the babies I lost, but I love and cherish you. There is no happy ending for me that doesn’t include you. There is no choice that was made, you are a part of the same beautiful story. There is just one story, our story! Because of them, I am more grateful for you. Because of them, I am more careful with you. And, because of them, I am your mother. All that has happened has prepared me to be your mother!
I don’t know if you can understand it all yet, but I will keep saying it until you do.
You are still so young, yet you probably know more about loss than anyone your age. You understand the lingering effect of grief. The way it can sneak into the best days, like your graduation, or a day at the beach and especially at the holidays. You know that there are people missing in our family photos and you ask about them often. You understand how much it fills my heart with joy to hear you say their names. I am so thankful for you.
Last Christmas, we made Christmas tree ornaments and you asked if we could make some for your siblings in heaven. You didn’t have to do that, but even now, you are finding ways to keep their memories close. This was not something I have ever asked of you, but thank you. I have never hidden who we are from you, and I never will. Thank you for loving siblings that you can’t see but if ever this all becomes too confusing for you, know that I am right here for you and there is nothing that I would not do for you. Even if it means acknowledging my grief in a different way.
Dear rainbow baby, you are a part of this story and you have as much say as anyone else in how it gets told.
Right now you love our use of the language, you are proud of it, it connects you to your siblings in a powerful way but if ever you feel differently, please know that the language can change, immediately and completely. There will be no grief felt over that. We will celebrate your understanding of who you are as a part of our family. You carry no responsibility for my journey as a parent and you are free to be the child you were meant to be.
You are growing older every day and it has been an adventure seeing the world through your eyes. You see the beauty in the world and you see the need to be kind and empathetic. Maybe you have learned early that at any time people are carrying pain you can’t always see but whatever the reason, I am so thankful that God chose me to be your mother. He didn’t choose you as a replacement for anyone. You were given to me at exactly the right time. You are perfectly mine and I am so blessed to have you. Even on days that I feel grief the most, I feel blessed to have you. It is a feeling that I hold on to every day of the year, maybe even more so, during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.