Dear Rainbow Baby,
I’ve learned so much since the death of the baby before you.
Photo by Kamille Sampaio from Pexels
After losing your sibling before having the chance to meet face-to-face, I know the ability to carry a baby in my womb doesn’t guarantee that I’ll carry one in my arms. I know there’s a chance my pregnancy might not end with bringing my baby home. And I know better than to journey through these weeks and months of carrying you naively thinking nothing will go wrong.
I’ve learned that I can promise you almost nothing, Rainbow Baby. No matter how hard I try to keep you alive, I cannot promise that my body will provide what you need to thrive. I cannot promise there will be no complications in the dark, sacred space you currently call home. I cannot promise you life outside of my womb.
But the one thing I can promise?
That I’ll always love you. Even if.
That’s right, Rainbow Baby, I will always love you even if you don’t make it out alive.
Because that’s another thing I’ve learned—that a mother’s love lives on even if her baby dies.
I pray a million times a day for God to let me bring you home. I beg Him to sustain my body, and yours, because we’re both so fragile in this state.
But sometimes prayers aren’t answered the way I’d like them to be—another difficult lesson I’ve learned—and babies go to heaven before ever setting foot on earth.
My body may be weak and unpredictable, Rainbow Baby. Your life may be uncertain. But my love is strong and everlasting.
Though I cannot promise you the world, I promise to love you as long as I’m in it.
Even if you’re not.
Even if I don’t get to know whether you’re a boy or a girl. Even if you go unnamed. Even if you never take a breath. Even if I never get to hold you, rock you, sing you to sleep. Even if I don’t get to watch you grow up.
Even if you die.
I promise that my love for you will not.
Even if you never come home with me, I will always hold space for you in my heart. I will always celebrate your life. I will always talk about you. I will always remember you. And I will always include you as an important member of our family.
Even if you don’t make it, Rainbow Baby, I promise to always love you.
Because a mother’s love is timeless and endures forever.
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