Dear PAL Mama,

Maybe you are new to this designation as a “Babyloss mom” or maybe you’ve known this role for several years. Perhaps this is your first pregnancy after loss or you’ve been down this road before. It’s possible that you have living children or maybe you’ve endured several pregnancies without knowing when you’ll get to meet a living child. Regardless of what your circumstances are, we find ourselves in this boat together, hoping to bring a baby to our arms.

There is safety amongst other PAL women. There is comfort and understanding, while often in the land of the blessedly naïve pregnant woman, our anxiety is hard to fathom. The thought that something might not go right and endanger pregnancy is not a thought that occurs to someone, unless they have a reason to be fearful of a loss, often through direct experience. I don’t blame those that don’t have this experience of loss—their ignorance truly is bliss. And perhaps that is an experience that some of us share in its entirety: having a pregnancy without a care. Others of us might have had days or weeks of this bliss before our world came crashing down. Might we be able to find support with our sisters who don’t know about our pain? Are we limited to seeking out one another to ease the burden?

I wonder if those that haven’t had the tragedy of loss might serve as a beacon of light for us while we struggle through wondering whether or not this baby will make it. Perhaps we can look at them and allow for hope that we will both share the same outcome. Maybe it is too hard to directly ask or say this to these women, but perhaps in our hearts, we can allow for this light to come in.

During this journey, be gentle with yourself. Allow for your feelings—give them room: speak them, feel them. And allow for light to seep through in cracks or let it rain through. Seek out those that comfort you: both online and in real life. Having real hugs means a lot. Know you are not alone—whatever your circumstance, someone else has walked a similar path.


Dr. Julie Bindeman

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