Dear Newly Bereaved Mama,
First of all, I want to express how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your precious little one. You have just experienced the heartbreak that every parent fears of, but should never have to endure. I don’t understand why the world must be so unfair and cruel to take away such an innocent life, but for some reason beyond any rational justification, it is.
At this point I know you feel overwhelmed with many unexplainable emotions. I know you feel like you are in a never ending nightmare, drowning in bottomless pool of pain, anger, hopelessness, and grief. I know your heart is broken, your soul is numb, and it feels like time has stopped.
It just seems like yesterday my husband and I were saying goodbye to our sweet little girl. Two years have passed now, and despite what many may tell you about how “time will heal the wounds and make it better,” it doesn’t.
The pain of losing your child is a pain that doesn’t go away.
Today I am writing you this letter to let you know that you are not alone in this world. I want you to know that every single thought and feeling you are having, I too had them and still do.
The path as a bereaved parent is a rocky road with new challenges each and every new day. You are going to have good days, bad days, and days where you feel as if you hit rock bottom. You are going to feel immense feelings of guilt at times and towering waves of grief that come crashing down when you least expect it.
Don’t be afraid to cry and please don’t rush the grieving process. In time you will feel a little glimmer of light that will shine back into your soul. When those moments happen, don’t feel guilty for having a good day. Know that you child loves you and would love to see you smile.
I wish I could tell you that that life will go back to normal and that each day that passes will get easier, but it doesn’t. The bereaved parent path is a rocky road of not knowing what to say when someone asks you “how many kids do you have?” or that silent, awkward feeling you get when you explain to someone you lost a child.
Everything in this letter, I’ve felt, and many other’s have unfortunately too.
Each new day after losing your child is best described as being “different” and the heartbreak you feel over time in a way gets worse when you realize that your baby will never accomplish each milestone in their life that you dreamed about them doing. It sucks, but please know that all those memories of your little one you shared will be held closely in your heart.
There will be days were all you will want to do is cry and not leave your home. There will be good days were you feel confident to take on the day and will feel strong because you know that your baby wouldn’t want you to be sad. Then there will be days where you may feel guilty, or scared that you will forget about the child you lost.
As a bereaved parent, you will see life from whole new perspective, but the path you take from that point onward will not be the same as anyone else. Your life is forever changed, but the love you have for your baby will forever live on in your heart. I know with all the emotions you are facing you will feel that no one understands. Honestly, there are no words to describe the feeling of loss. No one can fathom the heartbreak you are enduring. Those of us who have lost our precious little ones can relate to these feelings but each heart break carries a unique sting that cannot be healed.
Nothing can prepare anyone for a devastating loss like this, but know that there are many people out there who care about you and care about your little one.
Know that there will be those who will want to help you, but they will not know the words to say or what to do to help take your pain away. Nothing can take the pain you are facing away, but know that the people reaching out to you care deeply about you. There will also be some people who may seem insensitive, and make you angry while others may avoid you in fear of making matters worse. Some may expect you to move on from your loss while others grieve by your side. There are going to be days when all you want to do is avoid the world and then there will be days when you wish you knew someone who could understand the exact emotions you are facing.
When you lose a baby, you’ll never feel more alone in your life because no one can begin to understand the pain that you are going through nor would you ever want them too. You will discover who your truest friends are in life that will help catch you when you fall even if they don’t understand.
You are going to have good days and bad days, and not everyone will understand.
You have to do what feels right to you! Focus on the day in front of you and take it one step at a time, and don’t forget to breathe.
The loss of child changes everything in your life, especially relationships. The sad reality of child loss is that some relationships/marriages can and often do fall apart, but it doesn’t mean that they always will. When you lose a baby, you not only lose yourself but everything around you changes and the same goes for your significant other. No words can describe the pain that parents face when they have to say their final goodbyes to their son or daughter, and nothing in life can prepare you for that.
When you go through the devastating tragedy of losing your child, it’s like a sheet of paper being crumbled up and ripped apart into many pieces. Even when you try to put the pieces back together, you can see the rips and fold lines and it doesn’t go away, even if it looks like it is put back together. You two will both view life very differently after this loss, and you will both grieve differently. There will be days that all you will do is argue and days that you cry together. In time, there may be days that you two will share laughs and learn to enjoy life together again, but days you may feel guilty for feeling any sort of happiness.
You are not alone in your grief.
While your significant other may display their emotions differently, they hurt too, even if they don’t show it. Losing a child is the hardest thing a couple can go through and will forever cause a struggle in both of your lives. There will be days when you need to give each other space and days where you need to hold each other close. Each day will be different and maybe during that time you may realize that moving on from each other is for the best or you may find yourself leaning on each other for support more than ever before.
Dear Newly Bereaved Mama, my heart breaks for you.
I know you will feel many different emotions. You will have your good days, and you will have your bad. One thing that I know though, is that there will never be a day that you don’t think about your beautiful little baby and during those moments you may smile or cry.
Our emotions are powerful and impact us more than we may realize. Be gentle with yourself. Some days you may find yourself blaming yourself for the loss of your baby while other days you think you may understand God’s plan. There may be days where you feel immense feelings of anger and bitterness towards life and find it very unfair. You may feel guilty for enjoying your day or sad that your baby will never get to do all that you had planned for them. People are going to tell you that you’re strong while you feel like the weakest being on earth. All those emotions that you may feel are normal.
As a bereaved parent, you know how life is full of many obstacles. I wish I could say why such horrible things must happen in life, but I cannot and I wish I knew the words to say to take away the pain you may be facing but there aren’t. Each day is a new battle on this path. I want you to know though that you aren’t alone. Know that many people love and care about you and most importantly that your child loves you, and would love to see you smile.
You and your child may be separated now, but you are forever bonded by the love you shared.
Mikey, A fellow bereaved parent