Dear Mama Waiting after Loss,
I am in a unique place as a Pregnancy After Loss Support contributor. I haven’t yet experienced a successful pregnancy after a loss because both of my pregnancies have ended in loss. The stillbirth of my twin sons was followed rather closely by the early miscarriage of my next pregnancy, and despite our constant effort since, we have been unable to conceive thus far.
As time between my sons birth grows further, the “bad days” also grow fewer and farther between. The love and longing is never gone, but with the days, weeks and months, those times where all I can do is cry to myself are more and more seldom.
While we are still trying for our pregnancy after loss, I wrote a letter to my hopeful future child(ren) this Valentine’s Day, and I wanted to share it with you.
I am pushing myself to take the love I feel from my angels and give it back. To myself, to their daddy, to other angel mamas, and to anyone who will accept it. On Valentine’s Day it is normal to share the love with your spouse, partner or loved ones. This year I implore you to also share your love with your community and neighbors. Like Barbie says (in the Island Princess), “It’s magic, the more you give it away, the more love comes back to you everyday.”
Happy Valentine’s Day PAL moms, and everyone.
Dear One(s) I Hope to Meet Soon,
Although I don’t know you yet, I can imagine loving you- when I finally get the chance. In fact, I already do. I love you as much as I love my angels, because you too will bring me the greatest happiness and deepest love I can experience in this lifetime.
I know you’ll bring me a lot more than that of course, but I will take it all, and happily even. I can already imagine countless anxiety-ridden nights laying on my side counting seconds between each movement felt. I can hear the little voice inside my head screaming at the ignorance of the other blissful pregnant women I’ll likely encounter, or forcing an innocent looking smile at well-wishers who say something not quite as eloquent as they probably had intended.
I expect a lot of pain tied up with you too, physical and emotional. Times when I can’t help but compare you to my previous pregnancies, where I’ll cry as I long for my angels. Times when I can’t get the nerve up to walk outside my door where who knows what could go wrong. Times where I won’t be able to live without an ultrasound to tell me what’s going on in there, yet terrified to have one given only to tell me the worst news, yet again.
But all the bad bits aside, I know I’ll love you fiercely.
Months of waiting and wishing with all their sour disappointments can only make the joy of your arrival sweeter. Piles of lonely lined tests in my trash can’t make me give up the journey for the love I know you have in store for me.
I love you for what you will teach me.
Whether you end in a shining rainbow, or more rain, I know I will learn and love through you. Each different pregnancy brings with it a new spirit and more experience. With that experience, I can learn and grow, and hopefully become more empathetic and maybe even bless other mama’s lives because of what you teach me. And even more rain, although difficult and disappointing, brings more love. More angels who bring more love, a light in my life, regardless of the downpour that may go on.
I like to think we’ll meet soon.
I am hopeful every month that we’ve secretly been close, yet am met with a bright red reality all to quickly. And sometimes, on the better days, I’m more open to realizing that maybe the timing will all add up perfectly in the end and that those painful and scary bits you bring I may not quite be ready for.
But of all my vast wishes and dreams, you are what I long for the most. Just as I miss my perfect angels everyday, I also think of you and what we might share.