Dear baby boy in heaven,
I didn’t know when I lost you, though I could have guessed. The acts of mothering I missed out on with you, and that you didn’t get to experience yet. They were taken from us.
With rainbow babies filling my home and my heart, now I know.
The tears I would wipe from your soft cheek. My hand brushing hair from your forehead. Tracing your jawline from your ear to your chin, and tracing my finger down the middle of your forehead to the tip of your sweet little nose.
Rocking you back and forth in my arms, even (especially) as you grew out of them. Rubbing your back, feeling your soft skin and your cozy pajamas. Watching your chest rise and fall in your deep sleep.
Holding your chubby, tiny hand in mine, my thumb fitting perfectly in your palm. Kissing your cheeks over and over to your giggles. Giving you baths and watching you explore. Playing hilarious games that only you and I understand.
The hugs, the cuddles, the warmth. Bundling you up to take you for a walk in the cool winter air. The messes, the sleepless nights. The diapers, the food, the spills.
The ability to tune everything out to tune in to our own little world, even if just for a moment. Looking into your eyes as you drift off into dreamland. The big and small wins, the times when you’d take a step back before leaping forward with your milestones, so many firsts and so many lasts.
These are just some of the things we missed out on. You deserved all of them and more – you deserved a lifetime.
I appreciate this time with your siblings in a way I maybe wouldn’t have otherwise. Funny how an absence can lead to something feeling so fulfilling.
For now I’ll pour the love I have for four children into the three I have here with me. But don’t worry, I still have plenty of love left for you. Goodnight, sweet boy.
Mommy loves you.