While pregnant with my son Ty, I had so many dreams and wishes for him. I envisioned signing him up for dance, baseball, soccer, piano lessons, anything I could have him participate in, I wanted to sign him up. But then he died and our rainbow Jacob died a year after Ty died. All my dreams and wishes were buried in the ground right next to my two sweet boys. There would be no dance, no baseball, no soccer, just two graves to attend too.
Miraculously, our rainbow daughter Bee came along. I didn’t have the same dreams and wishes for her because I was too scared. I avoided signing her up for anything because I was afraid. I was afraid to face non-loss parents. I did not want to put myself in that uncomfortable situation so for 2 years, it was just us (and playgroups with other loss parents, which we love) but today I did something as a loss mom that I never expected to do.
Today I signed Bee up for dance class. It has nothing to do with the actual dance class itself but the uncomfortable situation it puts me in. We are required to stay in the room with our kids and I know that will lead to conversations and I know the inevitable, is she your only, will be asked. But the thing is, my issue with signing her up for any class is just that, my issue. My uncomfortableness with groups has nothing to do with my daughter, it’s something to do with me. I can’t let my inhibitions shelter her growth. My daughter loves dance, she floats around the living room to any music and dances herself crazy. I know she will love dance class. I know I will be uncomfortable and probably be the odd one out. I don’t like small talk, I don’t like mingling with other non-loss parents. It bugs me, it irritates me to be around them, complaining about the little things in life. Things that to loss parents don’t really matter because we know. But, my daughter deserves a chance to live her life without my inhibitions affecting her. She deserves to take dance class because she loves to dance. She deserves to experience these kinds of events in life because it’s not her that has an issue it’s me.
So tomorrow I will wake up and put my fake face on. I will pretend I know nothing but joy because Bee deserves it. I will deal with my uncomfortableness because Bee deserves it. I will suffer through the 30 minutes reminding myself that it is only 30 minutes, once a week. I can do this. Ty and Jacob never had the chance but Bee does and she deserves it. I can do this right?