The weeks seem to be coming faster and faster at this point in my pregnancy. Most likely, it’s because I’m smack-dab in the middle of the “sweet zone.” You know, that time between 20 and 30 weeks when you’re not nauseous anymore, you’re not too uncomfortable yet, and you have a little bit of energy back? Plus, your baby bump is obviously a baby bump and doesn’t leave people wondering if you’ve just been hitting the Ben and Jerry’s a little to hard lately. I know this isn’t true for everyone, but I have my easiest pregnancy weeks, physically speaking, between 20 and 30, and I’m sure that feeling good is making me feel like things are going quickly.

But while I am feeling well physically, I find these weeks to be the ones where I am starting to feel more protective of my emotions and craving positivity in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my first rainbow daughter, I was involved in several loss groups on facebook. I was active in encouraging others who were new to the community and had just experienced a loss. I know just how hard those first days and weeks and months are and how you feel like your emotions are going to swallow you whole, and you wonder if your thoughts and actions are normal. The pain is so intense that you need to know that other people have lived through it and survived.  I was also doing memorial sketches for people whose little ones had died. It felt like I was surrounded by reminders of what could be. These reminders are important, I know. It is an honor to create these sketches for people. But I felt like I needed to guard myself a little more. To circle the wagons a bit, and to keep my baby and my mind well protected in the center.  It wasn’t so much that I was in denial of what could go wrong – I knew all too well that things could change at any time. It was more that I just wanted to take a break from the reminders that seemed to be coming at me from all sides. It was difficult enough to try to manage my own thoughts and fears and to try to take things one day at a time.

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I have noticed in the past few weeks that I am starting to feel like this again, though maybe not to as great an extent this time around. I want to try to stay focused on the positive. I feel guarded and protective of my heart and our baby. I feel like I need to take a little step away from the loss sites I’ve since rejoined and be present with my pregnancy and with my family. As these weeks are flying by right now, I want to try to slow them down a bit and enjoy these days when my little one is growing and kicking inside my body. This will likely be the last time I experience this – a thought that is bringing tears to my eyes as I type this – and I want to remember how wonderful it is right now.

With love,

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Image by “bikindem”

 

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