Merry Christmas, my love. This is the fourth Christmas without you. Never did I think I could survive all this time without you but I have. Although I should know better I still wished so hard to have you for Christmas but since I can’t I decided to donate your gift to the organization that has helped me learn to live without you.

My days are still so long and empty without you.

I love your brothers more than anything and I am eternally grateful for them. This year has been harder than last year. I don’t know if it’s because I just had your baby brother and he reminds me so much of what I should’ve had with you, but this year I am actually functioning and mentally present. I find that with time I am forced to accept it and that’s why it’s harder. I’ve also been doing a lot of what if’s and feeling extra guilty. I shouldn’t question what is…because I hope and pray God doesn’t think I’m ungrateful, but even so I still question a lot of things.

What has kept me busy is the Pregnancy After Loss Support organization. I get to voice how I feel and in turn I get to miss you without feeling like it’s wrong. It’s the only place I feel unjudged. I am blessed with your brothers and everyone expects me to just be okay because I have them, but that isn’t a complete truth. I love them and miss you all at the same time. The holidays are even harder because I wish I could have you in our family photos and see you opening gifts, see you in your cute Christmas outfit.

I had so many hopes, dreams and desires for you.

I hope you realize that I’ll never forget you, I’ll never not want you, I’ll never get over losing you. But I will live for you, I will always fight for you, I will always honor your memory.

Hope you are doing well. My ultimate wish was to have you here with me but for now I’ll take talking about you as much as possible. I love you my sweet Leilani Lynn.

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