I have spent most of the last 2.5 years wanting to go forward or back in time. I was living in the past; wanting to go back to before Mary died, before our world crashed down. I was living in the future; I wanted to move, I wanted another baby, I wanted a lot to change because I didn’t like where I was. What I wasn’t doing was being present, therefore I couldn’t help how low I was feeling.
Since our rainbow has arrived, I have slowly and consciously been able to start to bring more focus to the now. In that, I have found a slightly new sense of peace.
What is my “now”? I am the mother of micro preemie twins (one that fought so hard and is here with us and another that fought so hard and is in heaven) and a sweet baby boy. That is my life right now no matter how much I would like to change that. No matter how many times I replay those days and weeks leading up to Mary’s death, I can’t change it. I can’t continue to live in the regret of all the things I would’ve done differently. Missing her hurts and it will continue to hurt. I know that won’t change. It will hurt and my heart will be incomplete until I’m with her again. I have learned to accept that as our now and live with it.
Focusing on what I have and the family we are now has helped tremendously to lighten my heart. I know that however I say this it’s not going to come out right, but I really think I’m doing ok. Of course, I get sad thinking about all of the things we’ve missed getting to experience with Mary. When I focus on right now… Right this moment I have a sleeping toddler on my lap and a little baby falling asleep and I close my eyes and feel Mary here. When I stop thinking about what I want next or what I wanted then and I focus on right this moment…I feel her light, her spirit, her strength and her beauty and I’m ok.