There were many years that I didn't like my body. I'm not talking the average my thighs are too big, my boobs aren't big enough, variety. Rather the "How could you do this to me?" and "How could you fail me and let me down time and time again?" Then there was the physical toll five pregnancies had on my body, with nothing to show for it. My body wouldn't hold a pregnancy, yet produced milk two days after my twins were gone. I had always looked at my body as strong and capable, and here I was, no longer able to trust it. I was having an identity crisis, while simultaneously grieving and trying to conceive at the same time. I didn't know who I was anymore. As women, our bodies by design, are supposed to create, carry and sustain life. We're taught this from an early age, and most grow up without the knowledge that it's not always the case. We're also taught at an early age what our bodies are supposed to look like, which is a far cry from most people’s realities. During loss, life after loss, and PAL, this combination can really mess with one's head. PAL Gave Me My Body Back My confidence started to rebuild during my first successful PAL, a surprise pregnancy after we adopted our son, C (and no, that doesn't always happen). I watched my belly grow, and with each milestone I surpassed, my faith in my body was slowly starting restore. When I started to feel movement, I was in constant awe that I not only had the opportunity to experience this, but that my body was holding on to, growing and nurturing this little boy. I loved my bump, and talked to the baby constantly. When I got to full term, and finally experienced a positive labor and delivery story, I was surprised and confident at the same time. I had waited so long for this moment, and my strength had returned as I saw what my body, and my mind was truly capable of. I had finally done it, and the pride exuded from my every pore. I was grateful to have bounced back into pre-baby form pretty quickly and easily. In fact, I left the hospital barely looking like I was pregnant two days before. Breastfeeding on the other hand, was not so easy for me. While I was proud I was able to nurse J, it was quite stressful for me. I definitely was not prepared, and in spite of my best efforts, I got caught up in the pressure—both internal and external—that's put upon women to nurse. While this was crazy, since I had seen the success of formula, I also thought my body was finally doing something it was supposed to do, so I needed to take advantage of it. I felt uneasy in my body then, not knowing how to navigate this next step. While I finally found a groove of some sorts, I was never fully comfortable. When we were once again surprised that I was expecting, my belly popped quite early. There was no hiding this pregnancy, not that I had the strength to do so. I found myself in a balance between knowing that my body was doing what it needed to in order to sustain a healthy pregnancy, and the semi-narcissistic feeling of not wanting to gain a ridiculous amount of weight. I became obsessed with touching my belly, and couldn't believe I got the chance to do this one more time. After E was born, it was clear that things had shifted. A lot. My body didn't feel like my own. I couldn't fit into anything other than maternity clothes, and nothing felt or looked right. While I knew I was being hard on myself, I wanted to feel good about myself again. And I felt a certain amount of guilt for this since what really mattered was that I had a living, healthy and beautiful new son. I was also exhausted from having a three and four-year old who needed and wanted me as much as ever. I was trying to do it all, knowing there was no way I could. Cut Yourself Some Slack: You Just Had a Baby In the days, weeks and months after having a baby, it’s survival mode. There’s so much going on physically and emotionally that it’s easy to “forget” that I just had a baby. I expect that I can go back to everything pre-baby as if nothing has changed. In doing so, I'm setting myself up for failure. E turned 6 months this past weekend, and it was just in this past week or two that I'm slowly realizing that I've been looking at this—my body—all wrong. This body has been through 7 pregnancies, carrying 9 babies. This body got up every day after those losses. This body pushed forward and didn't give up. This body held our first living son. This body carried two babies to term. This body has fed two babies. This body is a fighter, and it's pretty incredible. Even with this gratitude, it doesn't mean I don't complain, or that I always feel comfortable with how I look or feel. Rather PAL has given me a new appreciation of my body...what it's been through and what it's capable of. My new body may be softer than it used to be, but it’s given me a renewed strength and sense of self.

Columns & Special Series Archives - Page 2 of 19

Q: Dear Pregnant after Loss Parents, I’m here to Support You

Dear PAL Parents, You can do this. I am at your side, each and every step of the way. I may not have the answers you seek but I can give you my unwavering support. Loss is tragic, messy, and brutal. It knocks you down and you have to find you way to standing again. Sometimes the simplest tasks seem monumental. But you are not alone. I can help you. I understand your loss and your grief. I understand your doubts and fears. But you can do this! Deep inside each and every one of us is a wealth of power that cannot be accessed until now. I can help you find it and use it. I am at your side, each and every step of the way. I will answer your questions and acknowledge your fears. I can sit with you when you are scared. I can hold you up when you need a hand. I can help you be strong when you are ready. We can visualize this birth and help you find peace in your last. I know you will find the power and strength to welcome this day, this baby, and this birth. And I can be with you today, tomorrow, and on labor day. Be brave. You are not alone. I am at your side. Your loving doula, Ursula Photo Credit: Stefanie Harrington

Q: Dear PAL Mama Keeping Your Secret a Little Longer

Dear PAL Mama Keeping Your Secret a Little Longer, I see you. I see how your keeping your secret a little bit longer. I see how your playing it extra safe this time. Maybe you've stopped an activity or cut out that morning tea because of the "what ifs" and "maybes". I see you. You're probably holding your breath, afraid to get too excited too soon. I’ve been there. And now as I write this I'm nursing my precious rainbow to sleep. I have no advice to make this journey easier. I only hope you find comfort in knowing that every day rainbows are born and happy and healthy. I’m sending all my love and blessings your way so hopefully yours is too. With Love and Support, Krista, a Rainbow Mama *Photo by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash

Five Lessons on the Birthday of Expecting Sunshine

Five Lessons on the Birthday of Expecting Sunshine

By Alexis Marie Chute|2018-04-17T06:55:11-04:00April 17th, 2018|

My Body the Rockstar

My Body the Rockstar

By Erin Kuhn-Krueger|2018-04-06T22:46:22-04:00March 13th, 2018|

Dearest Mama (or Dada), Wherever You Are, You Are Not Alone

Dearest Mama (or Dada), Wherever You Are, You Are Not Alone

By Kristen Paul|2018-02-12T17:30:43-05:00February 15th, 2018|

Dear Mama Waiting after Loss

Dear Mama Waiting after Loss

By Lynzee Febbo|2018-02-14T22:34:48-05:00February 14th, 2018|

Dear Mama who Feels like she’s Failing

Dear Mama who Feels like she’s Failing

By Rachel Lewis|2018-02-12T17:38:13-05:00February 13th, 2018|

Dear Newly Bereaved Mama

Dear Newly Bereaved Mama

By Mikey Fuller|2018-02-12T15:59:38-05:00February 13th, 2018|

Dear Mama, Trying to Control the Uncontrollable After Loss

Dear Mama, Trying to Control the Uncontrollable After Loss

By Tracy McLaughlin Jaskot|2018-02-12T15:45:41-05:00February 12th, 2018|

Dear Pregnant after Loss Parents, I’m here to Support You

Dear Pregnant after Loss Parents, I’m here to Support You

By Ursula Sabia Sukinik|2019-09-10T07:44:20-04:00February 11th, 2018|

Dear PAL Mama Keeping Your Secret a Little Longer

Dear PAL Mama Keeping Your Secret a Little Longer

By admin|2018-02-09T18:21:56-05:00February 10th, 2018|

Dear Mama Facing Another Loss

Dear Mama Facing Another Loss

By admin|2018-02-09T18:05:15-05:00February 9th, 2018|

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