This week, our Dear Son Case said, “I really hope this baby is a boy because it’s your final baby, Mom, and all I have is Daddy.”

This evoked a lot of emotions in me. This baby has always been a baby! A chance at another life, no matter the (cabbage) roll of the dice for girl or boy. I told my son how all our babies, including him, were all so special and that they were meant to be all as they were, boy or girl. However, I could still hear the disappointment for both of us.

Carmen's 28-week bump - Cabbage Patch Kid

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

Quietly thinking to myself before I closed my eyes for bed that I had already given my dear son a brother named Jude who, if he had lived, would be turning three on Case’s 6th birthday (they were to share the same birthday). How does one explain this? That I possibly blew our only chance at a brother for him. Still, I believe Jude was exactly what he was supposed to be.

The baby we lost in January could have been a boy. Or what if it was a girl? What if that baby could sense that we selfishly really wanted a boy (like we were supposed to have), so it left us. Our babies known and potential sexes that we will never know… lost.

I think back to a pink rope I found in the field (where I always find my signs) when we were trying to conceive after loss, as if to say it was a girl pregnancy that was cut off. Then a blue balloon was sent saying, “Get well,” prior to finding out we were pregnant with this baby, believing I had to get healthy to have this baby. These are the irrational things we think of.

Just because my thoughts are not rational or logical doesn’t mean I’m not having them.

I’m trying to be a little healthier for this baby and my children. I recently learned how much of our mental and general health is directly related to our gut. I have to say I was thrown for a loop when it was implied that just maybe all of my previous losses were related to my gut health, which felt like, again, confirmation that I caused our other losses, meaning chances for our family to look differently.

I know in my heart this isn’t true, but I briefly consider it, even having eaten relatively the same with the babies who stayed.

It just puts a different kind of pressure, longing and remembering the ones I lost that I’ll never know their sexes and how many chances I had to bring Case a brother.

We are beyond blessed with the family we have. I say this constantly, but it’s in these sweet, sincere moments of innocent questioning of my children that I can’t help but wonder.

And then Case said, “But actually, I have my cousin Weslee (7 months younger), and they are like brothers.” It’s amazing how the universe works.

Rainbow artwork - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 28: Cabbage Patch Kid

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

Sex disappointment is a real thing, and I think we loss moms feel it deeper as we don’t let ourselves entertain it as much because we’re just beyond excited when a pregnancy results in a living baby. How dare we complain? But we are no different from other parents, meaning we can be grateful with real vents, worries, concerns, and frustrations. They’re allowed to be felt, communicated, and not judged. We judge ourselves enough as it is.

Just some random thoughts forming a coleslaw this week. That is one food I must say I often stay away from as it resembles “rabbit food.”  This week, I’ll just have to take a bite of it and see what it does for my gut, my mind, and my perspective for this wee little cabbage patch kid wonder.

~ The most important thing about a cabbage patch kid is that each one grows to be a special one ~

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