This week, I discovered how “Fear and Love” are what drive us in life. In starting my anxiety meds, I realize I’m desperately searching for ways to release past experiences and beliefs to try and be open to what this is, a living, moving baby inside.
I know that what I focus on will “expand,” and right now, I am expanding for this growing baby. So is my love.
However, this “new” discovery takes work every day as I battle appreciation with pain, joy, grief, and love, as they all co-exist in life. So no, I’m definitely not always coo-coo scared but not always embracing this growing, as my very expected anxiety, depression, and overwhelm show their heads by me constantly checking on the kids to make sure they are breathing and loving the non-stop reassurance from baby’s kicks while constantly shaking my belly when I don’t feel something to make sure babe is still kicking.
I can be so content with our family, feeling like an imposter having our dreams come true, then suddenly fall apart quietly in my van when someone acknowledges our seven losses. I can be trying to do it all, feeling accomplished and happy as it means I’m busy raising littles, and then suddenly, it can collapse me as I put away clothes some of my babies will never wear and take out others never worn.
Starting anxiety meds has, at times, made me feel like I’m reverting backward.
I feel like the best mom for my kids, yet “not my best.” I get discouraged and want to stop, but I’m trying to set myself up successfully as I’m excited for this maternity leave and scared for it. I’m worried every day for this baby and all my living babies. It can be crippling at times, and yet, I welcome it and am grateful for it as it’s all I ever wanted. Trying to create the “perfect Christmas,” missing the Santa parade and others that should be here, while knowing just waking up in the cabin to all of them on me is my most joyous moment. It’s all I need and it can be so hard.
I’m not always cool, but I allow myself time to cool down. I breathe and continue to seek support as best I can.
Moving forward doesn’t mean your love diminishes or that loving your new child means you didn’t love the baby you lost. You may feel guilty that life seems a little more normal, but that is only because our love grows, as it is supposed to, as we don’t want it to debilitate us. We still experience STUGS (Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief), which is intense and unexpected, right back in the strong, raw, fresh, overwhelming feelings of our grief. It’s scary when we don’t know when it will hit, but we all find our healthy ways of dealing with it.
Right now, anxiety meds, blogging, and talking are what is working for me, and I’m cool with that.
Thanks for being my biggest blog therapy supporters.
Read Past Bump Day Blogs from Carmen:
- Carmen’s Bump Day Blog, Week 26: Caul(iflower)’d it
- Carmen’s Bump Day Blog, Week 25: Lettuce Begin Again or Renew
- Carmen’s Bump Day Blog, Week 24: Eggplant Faceplant
- Carmen’s Bump Day Blog, Week 23: Corny as Can Be
- What you need to know about perinatal and postpartum mental health disorders
- Mental Health Medications During A Subsequent Pregnancy: What to Consider
- The Case for Seeing a Therapist During Pregnancy after Loss
- The Proven Benefits of Meditation and Yoga in Pregnancy
- 6 Coping Skills for Managing Stress During Your Pregnancy After a Loss