I’ve been here before.

I’ve been feeling struggly this past week. This month is hitting me harder than other times. Rather than feeling “honory,” all I can do is revert inward to quiet, hidden moments of ruminating and bawling. Not wanting to talk about “it,” the baby inside me. We enter another week of waiting before our repeat ultrasound, where we could face a possible fetal diagnosis.

Carmen's 21-week bump - Taking Nothing For (Poma)granate & Waiting for Answers

I know I won’t know anything until Thursday.

It can be as simple as a bowel obstruction. I remember how it’s all confounded with me seeing the worst at work in the pediatric department. And, unfortunately, the worst has happened to us. My mind can’t help but prepare for us to have another loss.

I don’t want to bring unnecessary fears onto anyone or even impose that I’m worried (as it could all be for nothing, and I hope so), but to say I’m scared would be a huge understatement. It’s bringing it all back because these kinds of things happen to us!

I try to find the good until Thursday comes. The truth is, I no longer see myself holding my baby in February. It’s been instantly stripped from my mind. All the adoring excitement abd deep desire we’ve really felt with this pregnancy, especially after our loss, gone in an instant. It is so annoying what the mind can do, and that’s with me actively trying to stop it–pleading with it, willing for it to listen. Then I think because I can only see and prepare myself for the worst outcome, again, I do worry I’m right. Also, what if I’ve now caused this with my thoughts alone? I know how crazy this all sounds, but it’s true and it’s the awful head space I’m in right now no matter what I do.

My energy and motivation are so low. There are very few moments outside of work where you can’t see me crying, deep in thought, or just hugging my babies. I constantly come back to how grateful I am, and how hard this journey has been for us and how happy I am for this struggly path to all be over with this final babe as it is supposed to be delivered in February.

Sweet potato, may we pass this uneasy unknown moment in time on.

I’ve been ruminating in my mind, all the live long day 🎶

I’ve had a hard time with this post. Maybe in part as we acknowledge Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

Phillip always says his hesitancy with another pregnancy is because this journey has never been an easy road for us, even with the good outcomes. It has never been that he’s not on board. We’ve just been through too much.

The more time that passes the more I worry about this baby and fear the worst. I’m trying to distract myself by just loving up on my kids, taking them swimming, to the park, and buying every organizing bin in site! My mind can’t help but prepare for a bad outcome. I wish I could take all these complicated feelings and neatly file them in these bins, stashing them away, only opening the ones I need or want and decluttering the rest!

Phillip says to me one evening after asking, “What about the name Isaac?” (meaning rejoice) that it’s hard not to think about our baby. My heart breaks for him as it affects him too. Of course, it does. It’s so hard on us. I’m shot back to recounting him saying, “Poor little guy,” when we lost Jude, and how his eyes turned the darkest I’ve ever seen them when he held our daughter Kaia. It breaks me and us the same all over again. This trauma runs so deep, and it could all be nothing. This week of waiting makes us remember, and maybe that’s how we honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Carmen volunteering - Bump Day Blog, Week 21: Taking Nothing For (Poma)granate and Waiting for Answers

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

I tell Phillip it’s my fault as if I hadn’t wanted another one, we would be done with more losses and more fears. This could have all been over for us.

Phillip and I talked a bit about what we know and don’t know. I know that my OB was not worried, saying our risk was very low for Down Syndrome. I know she wasn’t too concerned, but mentioning wanting an ECHO of the heart just to be sure worries me. But on ultrasound, even she thought it looked good on a bedside monitor. I know no news is usually good news as we wait on the FISH bloodwork, but I worry MY OB is just waiting for our visit to tell us. I’m still unsettled about it all, but there are moments of deep hope, so that’s where we are today.

Kai's pregnancy announcement

Pregnancy announcement for Kai – Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

I wish I could turn my mind off, ruminating, bringing me right back to Kaia and Jude, my TFMRs, and all my lost babies.

Jude's pregnancy announcement

Pregnancy announcement with Jude – Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

I know what a blessing my babies all are, but my heart can’t take much more.

And anytime I have to let a dream go or acknowledge how much we’ve actually gone through (though I wouldn’t change it), I need to give myself some grace that this has not been an easy road for us.

20 weeks pregnant with Kai

20 weeks pregnant with Kai – Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

My grief of Kaia and Jude has always been there, and in moments like these I am very aware of that. We’ve had a lot of different scenarios to compare to–healthy babies turned healthy, worried babies turned healthy, and just plain bad, but never either good or bad.

Carmen's current pregnancy announcement - Carmen's 21-week bump - Taking Nothing For (Poma)granate & Waiting for Answers

Pregnancy announcement – Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

Trying to choose to celebrate and feel joy in the now.

PS It’s a mango, not a pomegranate, just like my fear may not be what it is, and all could be well.

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