This was a big week for us as I went for my High-Risk OB appointment, and though everything is OK, we’re a little bit at a crossroads again.

It is hard not to be back here and worry that it will all be taken away as it has been before, making me feel silly again for ever thinking about our future.

A box of tissues on a table in a doctor's office - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 20: News from the High Risk OB Appointment

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I have to remember that I’ve been here before.

It is a big week, as it was often when I found out about my babies’ diagnoses, but I’ve passed these milestones before. I just can’t help but think of our terminations for medical reasons (TFMR) with Kaia and Jude. I am both relieved to have made it here and sad when I think about how they and others couldn’t make it this far.

The news:

Our baby has confirmed echogenicity of the bowel, which can be a marker for several fetal disorders, including some aneuploidies (most commonly trisomy 21, 13, and 18) and cystic fibrosis (CF). Some are terminal, some are life-limiting, some we can live with.

The news was sudden and unexpected and just not what I wanted. I need space and grace to process this.

Phillips’s words when I told him: “What Now?!”

My OB is not concerned and says our risk is low for these disorders, though our risk has been low for Digeorge Syndrome and Potters Sequence in the past, and it happened to us.

bracelet - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 20: News from the High Risk OB Appointment

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

My head can’t help but go there, and I’m trying really hard to will it back and be present.

The facts:

Though the likelihood is baby just ingested some of my bleeding in early pregnancy (increased by having 2 abruptions), or a bacterial/viral infection, this could cause problems with the bowels or, on the opposite end, could just reabsorb/regenerate itself as nine out of ten most often do and all will be fine.

I just found out my ovaries carry an anomaly for fetal heart defects, so with our history, we are being asked to complete a fetal echo which brings me back to the bad news with our Kaia.

And a repeat NIPT, which originally showed no risk. Although it had shown that with our Jude as well, and he had Potter’s Sequence.

Our girls results showed them at higher risk for Down’s syndrome, and they were fine

I’m so grateful for all of the testing we are receiving. Being extra cautious with our history and being in such good hands helps, but it makes me crazy until I know all is OK as we had been told it was, and now we are unsure again.

Unfortunately, this testing has helped us in the past too. During my mom’s generation, they only screened for gestational diabetes, and with all five of her children, we were healthy. Though this hasn’t been the case for us.

Selfie of Carmen - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 20: News from the High Risk OB Appointment

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

We’re going to be ok.

Carmen's 20-week bump - High Risk OB Appointment

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

I’m 20 weeks. I’m nervous again, uneasy, scared. I’m recounting all of our experiences, trying to find hope. I don’t know what may happen. All outcomes are so drastically different. I’m a little angry and embarrassed that I thought we were in the clear and now we don’t know. We’re here again at square one but yet grateful to be here again at 20 weeks pregnant!

Fall candle and flowers - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 20: News from the High Risk OB Appointment

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

My OB’s words ring in my ear: “You started with me (with Kaia) and ended with me.” It could mean so many things.

It felt full circle before when I wasn’t too worried.

Carmen's family's pumpkins - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 20: News from the High Risk OB Appointment

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

This is really hard, but soon will have our answers.

Just like the time it took us to get to this point, we will get through this one day or moment at a time.

Each day is one day closer…

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