Baby is the size of an avocado. I think of the curves of an avocado, the seed inside, how nourishing and energy-rich they are. I feel my energy slowly starting to come back & this baby within. 🥑

Carmen's 15-week bump with an avacado - Caring for Myself and My Babies

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

This week, I went to a healing massage, and the masseuse said, “We welcome this baby who will walk the earth, as well as acknowledge baby’s light and energy.”

This brought on a sob fest. Just this baby who I try to keep protected, locked inside my heart and hidden, often to not worry myself or others being seen was so paramount to me. Like, of course!

Every day I try not to worry or think too much about the pregnancy for fear I will lose it, and yet I want to enjoy it all fully. But, our pregnancy journey is what kickstarted my “healing seeking,” and I have often tried to downplay my babies at times, always scared I’ll lose them. Their souls have always been everything to me from day one. Whether they stayed or went, we always shared this hidden, nourishing, healing connection.

Carmen's 15-week bump with an avacado - Caring for Myself and My Babies

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

At the end of the massage, she stroked my head like I have many times to my own living babies, and I felt as though she was stroking all my babies’ souls through me, even the ones I couldn’t hold, because we were all one for a while. The tears fell again. I felt seen, I felt held, I felt whole.

It’s hard to ask for help. I think it all just comes down to fear, trying to be strong always and then remembering how pregnancy and all that I want really does scare me. To feel cradled by the earth, in a safe nurturing place where I could take five deep breaths to remember my fears are real, they deserve attention, I deserve this time to be with these thoughts and to also let them go the best way I can.

My babies’ souls brought me fear but also healing.

Both intertwine so often on this journey. It doesn’t have to be hidden, and I’m not a burden for asking for and receiving help to heal, release and cope with so many truths. This baby I fear inside, this baby I nurture with all my light and being who also protects and comforts me! A return to myself and my baby.

I am grateful for this person I paid to help take care of me for me to keep doing the same for this baby. Help doesn’t always have to come in the way of a paid professional, but sometimes this time brings you back to our worth. We all deserve healing, whatever that looks like for our souls and our babies always inside.

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