Baby is the size of an apple! 🍎🍏 I think an apple a day keeps mama and baby at bay.

Carmen biting into an apple - "I can do this!"

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

My mantra this week has been, “I can do this!”

"I can do this" coloring page - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 14

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

I had overdone it prepping for my brother’s wedding, suddenly feeling like I had so much energy because there was a deadline and also just being so motivated to see everything come together. I experienced a lot of cramping after this and put on a brave face but was very nervous, thinking, “Oh no, I’ve done this to myself, and what if I’ve done something terrible to baby?” These thoughts are never far away.

I knew it too, but I also kept pushing as I’m often so tired.

(I found the solution: I just always need tasks to keep me occupied from thinking I need naps! Just kidding! I would not be able to keep that up as I had to sleep a full day after the wedding feeling hungover from adrenaline.)

I knew the following day, after the yard work cramping day, I was seeing my family doctor, so I just tried to stay calm until then. At the appointment, I brought my two oldest and the doctor asked if they knew. My kids talk about the baby every day. Even the Doctor must have been worried as she said, “Just so you know, baby could be low in case we don’t hear the heartbeat today.” This terrified me, but we did get to hear the fast heartbeat.

Carmen's 14-week bump with an apple - "I can do this!"

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

Following the appointment, I got a phone call from the clinic, and immediately panic set in. Maybe they missed something on the blood work and ultrasound, which has happened in the past. But, they were just reaching out because the ultrasound could not be booked locally. It seems my mind is always worried and in fear mode. Even after having a good visit, I can never really let myself believe all is well.

I then proceeded to have a scary dream that baby died this week.

I realize I’ve been listening to a lot of incredible books on baby loss which I so resonate with but must remember I’m having a different experience.

"This is a different pregnancy, a different baby, a different story, with a different ending." - Lindsey M. Henke

This is a different pregnancy, a different baby, a different story, with a different ending.
~Pregnancy After Loss Affirmation from Lindsey M. Henke

I know it’s all out of my control, and all I can do is wait and that my thoughts aren’t serving anything other than fear and can take over if I let them.

This part for me is the hardest–waiting for my anatomy scan.

I can’t think in the future, even though I’m just trying to make it to the anatomy scan, realizing even then I still can’t. But I am getting excited for all the things to come that I’ve never done out of fear, like a 3D ultrasound pic, meal prepping, looking into placenta benefits, and ceremonies that I never knew I needed.

This week, all I can do is do this!

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