Sometimes, I find messages I receive can help calm my nerves. However, being a loss mom, it always depends on the day on how I decipher it. I am more open to hearing the messages of my babies and have learned to let go more and hold on more because we know nothing is forever, and that changes us.

Carmen's 11-week bump photo - Messages & Plums

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

As I wrap up my 11th week with my 11th pregnancy, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my beautiful family (eating plums at a picnic, which baby is now the size of). Finding this balloon today on our first real family beach date made me think Jude sent us the balloon to remind us he was with us where I always feel him the most, my son in the stars. Then, I thought, maybe he is sending me a boy, or maybe it’s just him and his symbol of blue balloons celebrating with us in August, his birth month.

A blue star balloon - Carmen's Bump Day Blog, Week 11: Messages & Plums

Author’s Personal Collection/Carmen Grover

Next, I think back on a beach sound bath I recently had the opportunity to join. As I lay there, the sounds completely relaxed me and opened me up, when I heard a little girl just casually say, “I’ll see you again,” as she ran past. I instantly started to bawl. Some things that others don’t even notice can overtake us, showing grief never goes away. Messages that come through hit us differently in time, and how I needed to hear those words, and how they brought me comfort.

Pregnancy after loss is exhausting. As we try to heal and be open, I reflect. Putting these two experiences together, I thought about how, no matter what, I will see my babies again, and I will see them in this baby. But, then my unsure mind takes hold of me, and I worry that they are trying to tell me another boy baby is what I’m being sent who is going to end up in the stars like the others, and one day I’ll see him again. Oh, my, my…

It’s real comforts and real worries all whirled up together, knowing whatever will be will be. I’m still rejoicing with tears in my eyes with the messages that always find their way through. My babies are always with me. Their angel droppings are the only way I can continue to see them right now while I’m living, knowing they’re always with me until I see them again…my constant relief. 🎈✨👼👼👼👼👼👼👼

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