Reaching the peak end of my pregnancy after loss has stricken a bit of anxiousness. At 9 months I can’t help but wonder about the very first contraction I’ll have. It makes me nervous because while I don’t fear the pain of it, I fear how it may trigger my past experience of miscarrying. That first initial pain that preluded the miscarriage, letting me know something was definitely wrong, sits on my mind. Because of that trauma, I’ve been anticipating the initial surge. In fact, I’ve been trying to practice my response and the goal is to immediately find myself in a place of gratitude even in such an uncomfortable state.
I’ve been rehearsing the mentality that pain is power, that contractions are my body preparing to birth my baby and that nothing here is wrong. In fact, it is all right. It is all beautiful.
Author’s Personal Collection/Brittany Jones
As I’ve been anticipating what labor will be like, I never expected to go past my due date, though here I am; 40 weeks and 3 days. So I’ve been consistently renewing my mind from the anxiety of waiting and the curiosity of that first contraction and finding patience in allowing nature to take its course. There is an ordained time for Brielle’s birth. Although I can not wait to meet her face to face, I will not rush God’s work.
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In my time of waiting, I’ve been addressing my feelings head-on and conquering them at the root.
I now find myself at total peace and as ready as I can possibly be mentally, spiritually, and physically. Prior to me achieving this state, my feelings were conflicting in a way that I believe may only be understood by someone who is pregnant after loss. I’ve heard stories of women nervous about their babies entering the real world because they feel they are most protected while inside of them. I felt that for sure, especially with everything that is happening in the world today. Although I felt that sentiment, at the same time I had the urge to birth as soon as possible to get her out knowing that my body has failed in past. There was a lingering thought that wanted me to believe the longer she was inside of me, the greater the chance of a complication.
I’m sure anyone pregnant after loss who has birthed a healthy baby will attest to a relief much greater than the usual relief known to women in labor. It’s a relief of not only the pain and pressure coming to an end or the relief of birthing their beautiful child. It’s a relief that says this time, my body didn’t fail. This time, I actually did it! I’m waiting on that moment, to look into my baby’s eyes and to exhale, not because it’s over but because we actually did it.
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