When we hit the 14-week mark, I had been kind of thinking that the weight of fear, doubt, and nervousness would just lift and go away. While it has lifted greatly, there are still days where it hangs around me like a patchy fog. I kind of forget that it’s there until all of a sudden, I’m in it. I never anticipated that I’d still be telling myself, “Today I am pregnant,” this far along. A saving grace has been the growing bump – it is officially not able to be hidden and I have quickly moved into my comfy summer dresses and some maternity clothes this past week. With these times of fog there have also been certain moments amidst the other days where I truly feel confident and hopeful. I am thankful to know that at any point, I can call my OB or send her a message, and she would say come on in, but I am also trying my best to trust the process and trust my body and believe that all is well.

Bridget's 17-week bump: Unexpected Emotions about buying a double stroller

Author’s Personal Collection/Bridget Wicherek

Over the weekend, I got us a used double stroller at an event through our church.

It felt like a momentous purchase – like this time next summer, we WILL have a 7-month-old child to put in it.  The seed of hope is growing. The seed of doubt also told me that if we don’t end up needing it, I’ll just sell it online. I am doing my best to water the seed of hope and not the seed of doubt. Pregnancy after loss is an emotional rollercoaster – one day, you can feel doubtful, and the next day, you’re buying something in anticipation of your baby using a year from now.

We’ve started talking about names and have some contenders.

We knew our firstborn son would be James, and we never officially named our loss babies (other than our third loss whom we named Claire – who was always our dream firstborn daughter name – only to then find out later on they were a boy) so we never made lists of possibilities. It is a different experience getting to this 17th week and still not having a definitive name to start using when we talk to and about him. I know we’ll get there eventually, I just hope it’s not in the delivery room!

I haven’t felt any definitive fluttering yet, though I keep hoping each day that will start!

Two more weeks until our anatomy scan, and then after that, I’m thinking we’ll feel ready to start making some decisions about the nursery decor!

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