Spring is here. Last spring, I was so ready for the winter blues of two consecutive losses to go away, and seeing the new buds of flowers and leaves and green grass had given me the hope I needed for a future healthy pregnancy. Little did I know we would go on to experience a third, drawn out and devastating, loss. 

Flower blooms - Bridget's Bump Day Blog, Week 12: Spring (and the bump) is here

Author’s Personal Collection/Bridget Wicherek

This spring feels so incredibly and wonderfully different.

Rather than still living in the fog of acute grief from our losses, I can feel the sun shining on my face and smell the coming onslaught of spring blooms. I can feel my body changing and hope that it will continue to grow as the landscape around me is also changing with new life.  

Bridget's 12-week bump: Spring (and the bump) is here

Author’s Personal Collection/Bridget Wicherek

With our last loss, I never felt reassured after seeing our baby’s heartbeat; there was always an undercurrent of anxiety, even after seeing it four separate times. Despite being told time and time again that the heartbeat and rate were good and strong, “You’ve made it this far,” “Your chances of loss are so low,’ etc., I have to admit I was always waiting for what felt like the inevitable. If I am brutally honest with you, and myself, it was actually somewhat of a relief once we lost the baby because it meant I didn’t have to move through every day wondering when it was going to happen. This pregnancy, I have now also seen our baby’s heartbeat four separate times, and unlike last time, each viewing has given me more hope and confidence that this baby will be coming home with us.

Flower blooms - Bridget's Bump Day Blog, Week 12: Spring (and the bump) is here

Author’s Personal Collection/Bridget Wicherek

As I enter a new trimester, I know that I will need to trust my body more than ever.

Since our first loss in September 2022, this hasn’t always been an easy task. Add in two more losses, two bouts of COVID, a skin cancer diagnosis (surgery is done, all is good!), and the need for a breast biopsy (it was fine, thank God!), many days it felt like I felt like I was living in a body and a life that wasn’t my own.  

Flower blooms - Bridget's Bump Day Blog, Week 12: Spring (and the bump) is here

Through this first trimester, each symptom has also felt so reassuring. With waning symptoms as this trimester ends and the second begins, all I can do is trust that all will continue to be well. We’ve made it through the first few sets of milestones I made up in my head that I thought we needed to reach. The next physical milestone is getting to 14 weeks. A new mental milestone is spacing out my appointments from every 2 weeks to every 4 weeks.

Four weeks is going to feel like an eternity. Four weeks before I can hear our baby’s heartbeat again.  Day by day, week by week, that moment will come.

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