Before ever knowing I would be a weekly Bump Day Blog writer, I started keeping a running list of thoughts in a note on my phone.

For anyone who is curious about what it’s like inside the head of someone who is newly pregnant after loss, this may offer some insight:

One little faint line. Is it there? Am I making it up? Better wait another day. The next day, is it there? I think I see something. I’m so afraid to be on this ride again, but I want another child–a living child.

The next day. Use the expensive test. Pregnant. I can’t believe we’re doing this again. A fifth pregnancy in less than four years and only one beautiful 3-year-old boy to show for it. I want so badly to bring this baby home. I will bring this baby home. But what if I don’t? How will I survive another loss? But the fertility doctor said there’s nothing wrong with us. Just bad luck. Spontaneous chromosomal abnormalities. That we should be ok. The data is in our favor. What if we should’ve just gone ahead with IVF? No, we’ll be ok. I feel good. This baby is going to come to us. But I’m still anxious. And I’m excited.

When should we tell people? Better wait a bit. But I want to shout it from the rooftops. Each day I’ll tell myself I’m pregnant until proven otherwise. Each day is one day closer to bringing this baby home. God, please just let them grow and be healthy. I’m ready. My arms and heart are ready. We’re ready. But I’m still going to look at my toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom. What if I miss a sign? But I’m feeling tired and nauseous, and man, my boobs are sore. So that’s good. But they’re not as sore as they were yesterday. And I felt a little crampy; I don’t like that. Better take another test tomorrow to make sure the line is still there. We’ll be ok. We’re going to bring this one home. I hope.

Today, I’m pregnant and counting down the days until our little one is here. I believe in my heart and feel it in my bones that they will come.

Bridget's 11-week bump - The Tug of War Inside My Head

Author’s Personal Collection/Bridget Wicherek

Despite feeling confident that all was well and that this baby would be joining us in the fall, a war still rages inside my head.

I can’t remember what a normal pregnancy feels like. Being hopeful but afraid. I am trying my best not to let the what-ifs of changing symptoms get my head all jumbled.

When I saw the faintest appearance of blood on my toilet paper, my heart started racing, and I became irrational, thinking the worst. It only lasted a few hours, and had I not looked at the paper, I never would’ve seen it. I hate that I check the toilet paper, but it’s compulsive, I can’t control it. By the evening, when I could think rationally again, I made the connection that I had done a strenuous lower body workout that morning with MANY lunges and squats, and the incredibly minimal blood I saw was likely due to irritation from that workout. At the same time, I was so thankful for my OB saying that I could come every couple of weeks until I’m comfortable spreading out appointments, and I happened to have an appointment the following day.

At that appointment, I saw my baby, and they looked perfect. The hope returned full force. They’re growing just as they should. Their little heart was fluttering away. Now the question is, if and when will I allow myself to relax and not jump to the worst-case scenario?

In the coming days and weeks, I will continue to remind myself that “today I’m pregnant.” I know some pregnancies go by and a mom loses track of how many weeks and days she is, but I don’t think that will be the case with this pregnancy. I have a feeling every day, I will think I’m one day closer, today I am X weeks and Y days.

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