I knew this month I wanted to write about Finley’s birthday – 2nd August. This year he will be 5. Many people wonder how they should/could/will honour the date their angel baby was born once their rainbow comes along.
I thought I would write this month about all of Finley’s birthdays (with the exception of his actual day of birth. If you want to read this story, it is reflected within my posts on my facebook page this week, and in my book).
Finley’s little sister arrived 1 month and 9 days after Finley’s first birthday. I took a look back through my pregnancy journal to see how I was feeling at the time.
“I went to see the counsellor. Sometimes I struggle to find anything to talk about for an hour, but today I could not stop. I cried and cried today. I feel so sad that it is almost Finley’s first birthday. It is hard to believe it has almost been a year. I cried because I was not ready yet to get Finley’s head stone. I don’t want to cover him up. Its so final, it’s like he is getting further and further away. If we get a head stone all of a sudden there will be lots of soil, layer of concrete and then stone on top of him.
As it comes to the end of his year, it feels so hard to move into a new year with a new baby on the way. I am finding it hard to be wholly committed to this pregnancy all the time. I want to allow Finley this last part of his time in my life, before we necessarily have to let him go another notch. It is fair for him to have this time and focus, and then for Twinkle to have my time and focus. I am starting to be able to integrate both of them into my life. I am sure that this is a familiar worry to Mums, but I don’t feel like I can love two of them equally at the same time.
It is hard being pregnant again, as much as it is wonderful. I cried and cried today talking about how wonderful it was being pregnant last time. This time it is so different. It is a physical experience and every physical change just reminds me that I will never again have this with Finley. He cannot have a physical experience with me again, our relationship and our connection has changed. Its not Twinkles fault, but I have to acknowledge those feelings and thoughts and let them out. Pregnancy is a time that is amazing and I long to feel that, its just that every moment of amazingness is tempered with sadness or anger.”
We wanted to celebrate Finley’s birthday.
We decorated his grave, he had some new gifts from other people.