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All of 2015 and 16 let to this life cycle where we were about to become parents. We’ve come across this moment once before al little over a year ago with our firstborn Elli, who didn’t make it alive out of the womb because we decided not to do so after a terminal diagnosis of a Chromosonal deffect. Now we where on our way to hospital to give birth to her brother. A healthy and big boy who was about to set foot on this earth, despite existing for 9 months prior.

It all started one day prior , on a regular wednesday where we had a visit with our gynaecologist. I was tired, achy, 41 weeks pregnant and I hadn’t felt the baby move so much over the course of several days. He was calmer and it made me anxious. K and I talked about possible induction over the week since I was overdue and I was in prodromal labor for several weeks. It felt like things where about to start up again, only to die to the normal peace and quiet of being overdue. I was done, he was done. So our doctor and I scheduled a mutual induction that very next day. But he wanted me to try castor oil before going to bed as it has the tendency to induce women into labor the natural way (it’s only recommended when your gyn says it is! It’s unsafe when used too early) I took the oil at 11 PM and woke up at 2 in the morning with strong and steady contractions. I tried timing but they seemed to roll into one another instead of having a break in between. we left for hospital and arrived 20 minutes later.

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Contractions were timed and 2 minutes apart so I was there to stay and have the baby! no induction needed! I concentrated on embracing each wave and managed to laugh in between every single one of them. Hours passed , but there wasn’t any evolution in diallation or pain. So eventually, induction by Pitocyn was fired up. It was time to have this baby one way or the other! K and I congratulated each other for reaching the end, only to cry moments later because we where about to become parents in the real sense of the word, soon.

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The moment my pitocyn machine was maxed out my contractions increased in power. I felt my whole body preparing. I searched for an easy position throughout active labor. From a bouncing ball to the floor, then to a fat-boy pillow where my contractions shifted to my back to eventually end in the bathtub, where the first thought of an epidural came to mind. I felt everything in my spine instead of my belly. I struggled to breathe throughout each contraction and the calm serene self that was me for all these hours changed. I moaned and curled myself like an animal in pain. I couldn’t think straight anymore and everything around me fell away. “Done’ was the only world I remembered saying and I was back on the bed to get checked out. I was between 8-9 centimeters and almost ready for baby. My midwife asked me if I really wanted the epidural, since I was so against having one and voiced it at the start earlier that morning. I just kept saying ‘yes, I feel the baby in my back, I can’t take it anymore!” The doctor on duty was paged and my water broke in the next contraction in a big gush. It was an incredible amount (that probably explained the size of my tummy) K. was relieved at that point when I decided on having the epidural because he hated seeing me like that. My growling and moving became louder and more erratic, I was losing control , fast.

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The moment of relief came when the doctor put in the epidural and I could start and relax bit by bit during each break. When he put in the pump my water seemed to break for a second time and it flooded the table. K. apparently, found it necessary to start sweeping the floor to clean up my water (that kept streaming down from the bed onto the floor so it really wasn’t all that productive) I started to feel the urge to push so our gynaecologist was phoned to come in and I was allowed to slightly breathe along with the final contractions breathing and relaxing my muscles as our baby descended further into my pelvis. K encouraged me through each contraction and by the time our doctor arrived I could no longer hold off and started to push. Our doctor quickly concluded why it took us so long, our baby was huge and sunny side up. Meaning that I was going to have to work a lot harder. But after an hour of pushing an a midwife sitting on my head side of the bed and pushing on my tummy to help guide him out.. He arrived. Crying his way halfway out before landing on my chest.. All 10lbs 3oz and 54,5cm  of him. Alexander was born at 4 past 8pm on a quiet Thursday night (06/09/16) with my Rosequartz angel (that I held with Elli’s death) tucked away in my bra, right over my heart, he was put right on top of it and I couldn’t help but think of the full circle. I cried, I laughed… I exploded, melted and found my way into the world again. This time as a full blood mother.

IMG_0481IMG_0471 I ended up being grateful for the whole journey.. The 18 hour long ‘labor ‘ The epidural I so badly wanted to avoid.The entire long and difficult pregnancy. Everything was worth it all. Because right now, as I am writing this blog post, there is a one-weeker lying on my tummy breathing and dreaming away. My heart aches of love every time I look at him and his dad cuddling. My chest swells with love and milk every time he asks for more. Everything let to this.. And while I didn’t get to love his sister, I get to love this little phoenix who was born out of her ashes. Who looks so much like her but still is his own little person. It is everything and more, it is harder then I ever thought possible.. It’s.. Motherhood…
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(Alexander is now close to a month old. A strong quirky boy. He is having some issues with cramping and reflux, but we are working on them. I’m starting to see the hint of a smile and he has discovered his voice, filling the room with aaaah and iiiiiiih when he’s up and awake. I’ve cried a lot in the first two weeks. sleep deprivation, hormones and the realisation that I am still so so human, even after loss, had to catch up with me. I thought I would have all the patience in the world. Turns out I only have as much as everyone else does. seeing him cry sometimes makes me cry and frustrated. But I’m here to learn, unravel and match the cries with the need that comes with it. Learning to soothe his worries. His dad was born  a natural, but this is another lesson in discovery for me..)

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Love S.

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