We recently moved to Georgia, and we are working to get adjusted to our life here. I can’t believe that we have been here a month already. We are quickly approaching the second birthday of our angel daughter, Jasmine, in March. I have found that I have been more irritable and just sad about things. The one year birthday was hard and somehow the second birthday seems harder. I honestly can’t believe that it’s been almost two years.

cupcake with candles - thinking about my baby who died as we approach her second birthday

Life is a lot different than I expected. Not bad, just different.

I never expected to lose her. I didn’t expect to have three children since she was going to be our last. I certainly didn’t expect to move several states away. And I sometimes just feel so alone in my grief. I have so many supportive people in my life, so it’s not that I have a shortage of people to talk to. It’s just that no one really understands it unless they have been through it themselves. Grief can feel lonely even when you are surrounded by loving people.

For Jasmine’s first birthday, Nolan and I made some cupcakes in her honor. I am sure we will bake a cake again for her this year. But, I would like to do something else and I’m not sure what. Something kind for someone else. I have seen people do things like pay for a cake for another child who has the same birthday. I like things like that. It helps keep your child’s memory alive.

I find that as we get closer to the date, there are all of these things that pop up that are reminders of her. I was watching an old episode of ER and there was just a random book or something on the desk that had the word Jasmine along the side. I recently completed the 80-day obsession workouts and there was also a girl named Jasmine in there. And Nolan recently brought up that he had a dream about her and was sad he didn’t get to meet her and missed her. I think they are all ways of forcing me to deal with the upcoming date when I am trying to avoid it.

I know I am avoiding it because it is so painful to deal with.

I did a lot of grieving upfront and in the past two years, but it feels fresh again every birthday that I have to deal with. And quite frankly, it is just tiring and hard and I just want to move past it as quickly as possible. I want to remember her without feeling so sad. On some occasions I am able to do this.

I think part of it too is that I work at home and don’t know anybody here yet. I miss going into the office and having my coworkers to talk to. Just being around people is nice. And I miss having my family around to be able to come over and talk to me. And sometimes it gets lonely being at home all day without adult interaction.

We are visiting Texas in a little over a week while Nolan is out of school. I am really looking forward to going back. I bought family pictures for my mom for Christmas and we are getting them done that week. I hope to find a way to include Jasmine in those pictures. To me, it is not complete without her. I am also looking forward to seeing my family and hoping that it helps to improve my outlook a little bit.

Whatever we decide to do, March 11th will be a tough day for me. I am at least glad it is during the week, so I have work as a distraction. If anyone has special things they did for their angel’s birthday, I would love to hear them.

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