36 weeks!


36 weeks- Finally. It feels like it’s taken forever to get to this point, early term. At my last appointment my doctor said that while she’d like baby to stay put for a little longer, if labor was to start they wouldn’t do anything to stop it. So technically, baby girl could come any day.

We’re so ready to meet her.

I’ve been in super nesting mode; constant cleaning and organizing of the house is top priority these days. As if the baby will come home and express concern about living in a home that is clearly just lived in.

The baby clothes are washed. The bassinet is set up. The hospital bags are (mostly) packed. Plans for childcare for Toby have been arranged.

We’re so ready to meet this little girl.

Emotionally it does feel like I’m having to put in the effort to keep myself in a good headspace. In addition to the regular concerns and anxieties that come with a PAL, the fear of childbirth has been thrown into the mix. After going through two labors- one as a first time inexperienced mom, and the other in a stressful preterm situation- I have to admit that I’m a little scared of the pain that comes with natural birth and how I’ll handle it.

But just as support is important for a PAL, support is important for the birth experience. I’m blessed to have my mom and my husband as my coaches, and together I know they will be able to literally hold my hand and encourage me through the whole experience.

I wouldn’t say that being 36 weeks makes me feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief, no longer fearing the things that could go wrong; those thoughts still go through my head. But I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. One way or another she’ll be here soon, my little baby girl.

I’m so ready to meet her.

There is an end to this journey and we’re almost there, I can see it. I know that my journey as a loss mom is continuing, with the next phase being a parent of a baby after loss. There are many challenges that come with that title, but in some strange way I’m almost looking forward to facing that challenge.

This last year has been extremely difficult, to put it mildly. But I’ve learned so much and I’d like to think that I’ve grown through it all. I’m a firm believer that opportunities to mature are always important. In some strange way I’m looking forward to see in what ways I can grow while on the path of being a parent of a rainbow baby.

But above all, I’m ready to meet this little baby.

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