29weeks

29 weeks

 

Now officially into the third trimester, I was hoping that I would start to feel a little less anxious about this pregnancy; but in the past week, I’ve actually struggled more with feelings of anxiety and grief.

I’m anxious to meet this little baby; I want to meet her and see that she really does exist. I’m anxious to check to be sure she has all of her fingers and toes, and that she really is okay. I’m anxious to be done being pregnant; it goes without saying that this pregnancy has been emotionally exhausting, but it’s also been very hard physically. I manage fibromyalgia fairly well when I’m not pregnant, but when I am pregnant it just makes my whole body hurt all the time.

This week has also been hard because it feels like I’ve been going through some of the uglier parts grief all over again. The parts that make me cry almost all day. The parts that make me just sit and stare, oblivious to the world around me because all I can think about is how much I miss my little girl.

My counselor has been encouraging me and my husband to discuss ways that we might want to honor Zuri’s birthday/anniversary. It’s been very hard for me to grasp that already almost a year has gone by since we said hello and goodbye to her. Somehow, by the grace of God, I’ve put my feet on the floor morning after morning and gone through the days managing that strange balance of heartache and joy.

I’ve had to wrestle with guilt this week, too. Guilt that I am not always able to really fully feel the joy of this pregnancy because my mind gets caught up in missing Zuri; I feel guilty for wishing she was the one I was still carrying, even though I really truly am so thankful for this new little life growing inside me. I feel guilty for focusing my attention on ways to remember Zuri; maybe guilt over divided attention is a normal feeling that mother’s of more than one child deal with, so in some way it makes me feel a little “normal”. I feel guilty in the times when I’m bonding with my baby girl inside of me, dreaming about what it will be like to meet her; it feels like by doing that I’m trying to forget Zuri, even though I know that’s not true.

It’s true what they say about grief being a cycle; it’s goes around and around. Sometimes I feel the emotions of grief just as strongly as when I first entered the circle, and other times it’s  less intense. One thing that has sort of given me a sense of freedom within this new paradigm is accepting that grief is sort of a life style. I’ve had to make adjustments to my life to make room for good self-care on the days when I’m particularly weary, or if something triggers a traumatic memory. I’ve made room in my life for the memory of a sweet baby girl that will always have my love. It’s hard, and I feel like I’m constantly learning new ways to find balance in this life style, but like I said, there is freedom in accepting this is my “new normal”.

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