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It’s finally come. There were times when it felt like it would never happened, but it has; 2014 has come to an end. There’s a part of me that wants to be cynical and bitter and wants to hurl all kinds of insults at this past year (as if it’s a live being able to receive my wrath), with “good riddance” topping the list. Instead, I think wishing the year farewell and welcoming 2015 with humility is a better way to go.

So 2014, I’m glad to see you go. For so many people, including myself, this was a really rough ride of a year. I know that nothing is coincidence, nothing surprises God; and I guess in some way that brings a little comfort, knowing that God knew what was in store for all of us this year. Maybe I was just too wrapped up in my own little bubble for far too long and it took 2014 to open my eyes to everything around me, everything I needed to learn and grown in. I don’t know. I’m probably waxing way to philosophical right now…

It’s a little bittersweet to see you go, 2014. There were lots of beautiful moments that I want to cherish; like going to the beach and experiencing it in all it’s wonder through my son as it was his first time there. The beauty of basking in closeness with dear friends, who were willing to be vulnerable and also accept my vulnerability and thus sharing some wonderful connections.

However, there are also many hard, somewhat wretched memories that I’m ready to put some distance between, some mixed in with beauty; like saying hello and goodbye to my first daughter in the span of five minutes. The many hills and valleys of emotions that followed in the wake of Zuri’s death. The awkward and painful moments of putting one foot in front of the other because I had to. Seeing loved ones experience pain and trials. There’s a lot I’m ready to walk away from.

With the ending of a new year comes the beginning of new one. A new year that is so far blank. I have no idea what is in store and that is kind of scary. Of the many things that became alarmingly true to me in 2014, one is that when faced with the unknown I’m petrified. Unfortunately 2014 kicked my butt hard enough that now, where I once would have been excited at the prospects and possibilities contained in a new year, I’m now timidly stepping into 2015 like a deer steps into an open and unprotected field.

But in all of this, I will continue to choose to rely on God. He is the only reason I’m still standing here now. Ten months ago the wind was completely knocked out of me and all I could do was lay on the floor in the ruins of what was left of me. It’s only because of the grace, mercy, and mind-blowing everlasting love of God that I’ve been able to put my feet on the floor day after day. If it weren’t for Him, and the people that He so graciously placed in my life at the right times, I wouldn’t be here today.

I’m walking into 2015 choosing to cling to hope that I’ll get to see good things happen in the lives of those I love. If there is any way that I can be a small part of helping them achieve those things, I don’t want to miss out. I’m choosing to take the lessons learned in 2014 and apply them to 2015.

So 2014, thank you for the many lessons you offered. Thank you for some fun times. But I’m glad to see you go. 2015, here we go. I can only step out and hope that you are a little kinder. I’m just thankful that I don’t have to go it alone, no matter what happens.

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