Last week I did something took a lot of courage, and it was the biggest step of faith so far in this pregnancy- I bought a onesie for my baby girl.

I’ll be honest, it was hard. It wasn’t even a super fancy, uber girly outfit or anything and it was still hard. As I was digging through the onesie bin at my favorite children’s resale store, there was a bit of an inner battle going on in my head.

This may not be such a good idea

Oh my gosh, these are so tiny

I don’t have to do this now, I can always get clothes for her after she comes; if she comes

Are all girl clothes this pepto-pink?

It’s okay for me to have a little faith and hope

What if she never gets to wear this?

Should I get a premie size, too?

This is so cute

It’s okay for me to have a little faith, it’s really okay

It must have taken me twenty minutes to finally take my selection to the register. I even almost told the cashier to take it off the bill before I paid.

I knew it was a good thing for me to feel hopeful enough to buy an outfit for my baby, it might have even been a bit healing. There’s still that big part of me that has to fight the anxiety, fear, and negativity. The part that thinks there’s no way I could actually get to bring home a live baby at the end of this journey. The part of me that feels unworthy somehow.

But I did it anyway. In that moment, I looked fear in the eye and said, “you don’t have to control me” and I bought that cute little onesie.

I never actually bought anything for Zuri. My mindset was different, I had that blissful unfamiliarity with the full effect of loss; I thought I’d have more time. I had some clothes that had been given to me when I was pregnant with Toby (before we knew he was a boy) that I was excited to get to use for Zuri. After she passed away it was too painful to look at them; even after I felt ready to try to open my heart to another baby, it didn’t feel right to keep the clothes. They were for Zuri, and I needed to start anew. A sweet friend who was expecting a baby girl was gracious and understanding enough to accept them.

Now that I’ve taken that first step of faith by beginning to hopefully prepare for Zuri’s baby sister- literally, “hopefully” prepare- I feel like I can continue to take baby steps and do a little more.

The fear of the unknown is still present, I don’t think that will ever go away. But slowly, very slowly, I’m finding the ability to stand and fight the fear with a little hope.

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