25weeks

25 weeks- finally felt brave enough to take a “bumpie selfie”!

When I was pregnant with Toby, I once woke up in the middle of the night with really bad stomach pains that felt like they were coming intermittently. Since it was my first pregnancy I didn’t know what contractions felt like, I wasn’t sure if I was experiencing preterm labor or if it was something else. We ended up going to the emergency room and everything turned out to be fine; the pains eventually subsided and the doctor suspected it was a urinary tract infection. I remember one of the nurses commenting that because I was 25 weeks pregnant that it meant that the baby the was viable and she seemed really calm. The word “viable” didn’t mean the same thing that it means to me now, but I remember that somehow hearing a nurse seem confident in saying it made me feel better.

If I was to relive the same scenario now I don’t think I’d be as calm, even now at 25 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I think back to that situation and I shake my head a little because I wish I could remember what it feels like to be blissfully unaware of what it feels like to live out the alternative of a healthy pregnancy. Part of the grieving process for me has been grieving the loss of a sort of innocence. During this pregnancy I’ve struggled so much to really enjoy the sheer fact that God blessed me with the ability to sustain new life. I’ve grieved the loss of confidence in myself as a woman with a God-given capacity to be a vital part of the process of a new life. I wish I could say that I trust my body but I don’t. It’s failed me and my children twice, why should I believe that it would all of a sudden act right and carry a baby to term? 

With each passing week I start to feel a little bit better about the idea of my baby girl being born. I’m so ready to meet her and hold her, even though I know being the mom of a rainbow baby will bring it’s own set of challenges. I want to experience what it’s like to finally have my rainbow baby, to feel the calm after the storm so to speak.

Now I’m really hoping and praying that things turn out alright. I don’t expect to go back to the mindset of being unfamiliar with complications, but I do hope that this experience ends so that I feel like there is hope, that my broken heart can be mended in the process, and that a new kind of happiness can be found.

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