photo credit: LilyandVal via Etsy

Yesterday was the first time we celebrated Thanksgiving without Zuri, the second without the baby that I miscarried. We were able to spend the day surrounded by extended family, enjoying delicious food, and even did a little dancing later in the evening. My husband Derek and I were also able to sneak away for an after-dinner walk, which was a welcome “mini date” amongst the busyness of the holiday.

There were times when it was challenging remembering that there were two little ones whose presence was missed, but I think being surrounded by loved ones and being busy with dinner preparations helped me not to linger too long on the thoughts of missing children. What was difficult, though, were the times when I felt like I was reliving last Thanksgiving, because last year I was pregnant with Zuri and here I am almost six months pregnant with her little sister this year. Part of me felt a little traumatized, wondering if I would have to go through the same heartache all over again with this baby girl. And I miss Zuri, so much. I so desperately wish that she was here with us. I wish I could hold the little one that I miscarried before her.

But the thing that kept me from loosing it completely was thankfulness. I know it sounds a little sappy, but it’s true. I’m so thankful for the time that I was given with them, even if it doesn’t ever feel like it was long enough. I’m so thankful for the love that my heart had and forever will have for them. The memories of enjoying their presence on this earth, even if it was only for a little while, help me to be thankful for what I do have.

I have the saving grace of a God who loves me.

I have the love of a really awesome husband.

I have four beautiful children; one here, one growing in my tummy, and two waiting for me in heaven.

I have a roof over my head.

And I still have lots of love in my heart, even if there are times when I feel like I just can’t keep going.

With the holiday season now in full swing I know there are going to lots of “firsts” and plenty more moments that will be difficult to get through. I’m seeing how important it is to simplify my life to help me get through things, but I think the most important thing to do is to be genuinely thankful for what I have and not take any of it for granted.

Wishing all of you a belated Happy Thanksgiving!

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