In one of my previous posts I mentioned that we were soon going to be finding out the gender of our new baby. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was hoping and praying that this baby would be a boy. The uniqueness of my experience with Zuri made me question if I could feel that kind of love and connection for another daughter. As the pregnancy progressed I felt the same sureness that I did when I was pregnant with Toby; I thought for sure it was a boy.

We’ve now had three ultrasounds confirm that we are welcoming another girl into our family.

I should probably back up a bit and explain that I have always had apprehensions about having a daughter. My relationship with my own mother has been the example to which I developed a standard, and I’ve questioned my ability to live up to that standard.

Not to brag or anything but… okay yes, I’m going to brag a little. My mom is awesome. She has a fabulous sense of style, she loves to laugh, she’s incredibly intelligent and talented, and she is a superb cook. She is one of the strongest women I know. She has always been there for me, even when I was a hot mess. We have been through a lot together. I can honestly say that she is one of my best friends and I can’t imagine life without her.

The idea of having a daughter scared me a little because I wasn’t sure if I could recreate the same level of closeness with my own daughter as that of the closeness I’m blessed to share with my mom. I’m not a girly girl at all (sad for my mom- neither me nor my sister are girly), so the thought of having to outfit a little girl in all things pink and frilly freaked me out. For some reason being the mother of a boy has felt more natural and thus, less intimidating.

When I was pregnant with Zuri I had to face the nervousness about having a girl head on. As I spent time with my mom during that pregnancy, it helped me to appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of the mother/daughter relationship. Anxiety was replaced with excitement, and I began to dream of what it would be like to develop a close relationship with my own daughter.

Then Zuri died, and I think a little bit of that excitement died too.

Now that I’ve had some time to deal with the mix of emotions that came with finding out we are having another girl, the excitement is coming back in a new way. I don’t think it’s going to be the same as before, there’s just something special about a firstborn daughter that can’t be replaced. But rather I’m trying to see it as a blessing and a privilege that I get to have another daughter.

I’m not going to lie, it was really hard to embrace the news for a while. Psychologically my mind was struggling to grasp the reality that this was a new baby, not Zuri. It’s not a do-over, or a replacement. I’ve had to remind myself that this is a new little girl with her own identity, her own life to live. Then of course there was the fear that maybe my body is incapable of carrying a baby girl to term.

But I’m working through things, and it’s getting easier.

We’ve chosen a name for her (only our families know, we’ll publicly announce her name after she’s born) and it has helped me to bond with her a little more. While it’s bittersweet and still scary, I’m choosing to embrace the blessing that I am the mom of two daughters. I don’t know what the future holds, and I know it will be challenging if I get the chance to raise this little girl and not over-compare to what it might have been like to raise her big sister.

For now, I’m accepting the blessing that I get yet another opportunity to have a special bond with my daughters, just like the one I have with my mom.

(and I’ll leave the frilly girly clothes up to my mom, that’s something special she can do with her granddaughter!)

mother and daughter

me and my mom

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