For the past three or four weeks, I have had nausea around the clock. I have tried home remedies, over-the-counter medicines, and doctor-prescribed medications. Some work better than others, but in general, I’m sick and tired most of the time. I am prone to nausea in general, so although I am not surprised to be so nauseous, I am surprised by how much it is affecting me. I have had to get a sub to cover my classes way more often than I would like. I’ve avoided most family and social outings. I have almost completely stopped helping with chores and housework. K and I have to stagger the times we eat so I don’t smell her meals. On my worst days, it is a big accomplishment to just brush my teeth before I get back in bed with the cat for the day.
Author’s Personal Collection/Alli Baker
Finally, during Week 8, I started to get some relief with a new medication from my doctor.
After a few days of relief, though, the nausea came crashing back in. The plans I had for the day fell apart before the day even started: I just couldn’t do anything. By mid-day, I felt both angry and scared. My biggest inner critic started using my past experiences with pregnancy loss against me: You’re too weak to do this. You should have let K carry this baby. Wishing the nausea would end means that you don’t really want this baby. Every other mother can handle first trimester nausea except you. You are failing.
I broke down crying in frustration and fear. K also felt like she was failing because there was nothing she could do to make me feel any better. hen she tried to explain her own feelings, my mind used this as evidence to re-enforce my own negative thoughts: my nausea (and how debilitating it was) was making everyone else feel bad too.
With my brain still struggling to believe I am actually pregnant, it feels impossible to see the bigger picture.
For a moment, I can zoom out and understand that as much as I might struggle with pregnancy symptoms, this is all worth it. But most of the time, I am living in survival mode while the reminders of why I am doing this are few and far between.
K put it well when she said to me, “It felt like we would be trying to get pregnant forever. I never thought about how hard it would be for you to actually be pregnant.”
Read more bump day blogs from Alli:
- Alli’s Bump Day Blog, Week 8: Therapy After Loss
- Alli’s Bump Day Blog, Week 10: IVF Clinic Graduation
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