Now that I am in my second trimester of this pregnancy, my OB has put me on a “regular” pregnant person’s appointment schedule. With IVF, the longest I ever went between appointments was three weeks, and usually, it was more like one or two weeks with an ultrasound every time. But with everything going well and looking normal so far, I have not visited the OB in three weeks, and it will still be another week before I get to go back. When I do go back, we will not even do an ultrasound–just a quick doppler check of baby’s heartbeat!

Alli's Bump Day Blog, Week 15: The Wait Between Appoinments

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For an IVF mom, this waiting and wondering is nerve-wracking. I wonder every day if my baby is doing ok.

I have no unusual symptoms, and I have the same normal symptoms I have come to expect. But even still, I often find myself wishing the baby could give me a quick thumbs-up to let me know he’s doing well. I have not felt any movement or “quickening” yet, so I truly feel like I am operating in the dark and acting on faith alone. Just today, I found my affirmations in my pregnancy journal from when I first found out I was pregnant: I am open to the possibility of a positive outcome. Thank you for this healthy baby. Right now, this baby is safe. Today I am pregnant. This anxiety is nothing new, yet I’m surprised each week to find that it is still here.

Weeks ago, a mom in my area gifted me her at-home baby doppler through my local Buy Nothing Facebook group, but I had not touched it yet.

I was not sure if using it would soothe my nerves or heighten them. I finally asked my wife to help me use it this week after a friend in an online pregnancy/parenting support group shared that she was experiencing her first miscarriage. This news brought me back to my wife’s miscarriage, and my worries about my current pregnancy spiked. I laid with the cold ultrasound jelly across my belly in my own bed, my wife and I taking turns trying to find baby’s heartbeat. We found my own heartbeat all over the place, but in fifteen minutes had no luck with baby’s heartbeat. Just when we thought we had found it, it disappeared. Did he flip? I wondered. “He’s like, leave me alone!” I laughed. Although looking for (and failing to find) his heartbeat did not bring me the total anxiety relief I had hoped for, taking time to pause and try to connect with our baby actually was reassuring. So, for now, I continue on with faith and hope…and my breath held until that next OB appointment.

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