1. I am not trying to replace the baby I lost.
I am trying to conceive a new baby, and have a new pregnancy, with a different outcome. I am not wanting to rewrite history, but instead trying to hope for the present and future while still grieving. I am trying to conceive after a loss.
2. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get pregnant.
I sometimes feel as though I failed because I had a pregnancy loss. I know I’m really not a failure but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like one.
3. I miss being pregnant and the innocence I had before a loss.
I loved the carefree days of my pregnancy, where I didn’t know anything could go wrong. I miss having a big beautiful belly with life growing inside of it. I miss the smiles from strangers and people congratulating me on my baby. I miss the days where I wasn’t aware of pregnancy loss, and words like stillbirth weren’t part of my vocabulary.
4. I’m disappointed that it’s taking so long to get pregnant again.
I wish I could get pregnant right away, or as soon as my doctor gives me the go ahead. Getting pregnant again is not as easy as it was before my loss.
5. Even though I want to be pregnant again so badly, I know I’ll be very scared if it actually happens.
I want to see that plus sign appear more than anything else, but as soon as it happens I know the anxiety and fear will come, and I want to be able to manage it in a healthy way. I know my feelings will waver between excitement and fear.
6. I may have to make the decision to take a break from trying to conceive.
My heart and my head may not be able to keep up with the pressure to get pregnant. I think about it all of the time, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. Taking a break doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’m recognizing that a break is part of the process of trying.
7. I don’t have everything figured out if I get pregnant again.
I don’t know what my birth plan will be. I don’t know how I will tell my baby about the loss before him. I don’t know if I will want to share my pregnancy right away. I do know it’s ok to not know the answers to these questions or to change my mind.
8. My partner and I have differing opinions on when to try to conceive.
My partner is scared and grieving, too, and may not be ready when I am. We both need to be prepared to try, and if we’re not, we need to support each other without frustration. The stress this creates makes trying to conceive after a loss even harder than trying to conceive by itself.
9. I’m bitter that I’m trying to conceive again; I should have a newborn.
I’m angry that I’m back to the beginning again, and I’m frustrated that I’m buying ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests when I should be buying things for my baby.
10. Trying to conceive after a loss doesn’t mean I don’t love the baby I lost.
Grieving doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to hope for a new pregnancy. My heart is big enough to love AND grieve. A pregnancy after loss doesn’t discredit any of the love I had for previous pregnancies.
- Trying to conceive after loss: Your top 10 list of what you must know
- Will I Ever Feel Ready? 7 Things to Consider About Trying to Conceive After Loss
- What to Expect from Sex after Pregnancy Loss
- Trying to Conceive after Loss: Toning Down the “Crazy”
- A Potential Space: Preparing to Try to Conceive after Loss
Thank you so much for putting into words what I have held in my heart and my head for 21 years…. it does get easier, but it never goes away, (and nor do I want it to) My loss was to two twin boys taken from me at 26 weeks, and your article truly expresses the grieving and trying again. I am now lucky to have an 18 year old son, born at 31 weeks.
Take Care
Everything about this is 100% correct. I definitely shared this. I’m hoping I don’t have to resort to #6.
I am so desperate to be pregnant again after my son was stillborn at 37 weeks gestation. It’s all consuming and I’m devastated each and every month I’m not. Why is it harder this time? Don’t I deserve to be happy after suffering a miscarriage and most heartbreakingly a stillbirth.
Life is cruel and unfair. You sum up most of my feelings except point 8 as we are on the same page x
Thank u for writing This! We lost our sweet Joshua March 2 2017 shortly after birth we still have no idea why! And just can relate tonthisnso very much thank u!
I just lost my twin girls one is sept at 22 weeks she died inside of me after emergency surgery to try to sace them both then i delievered them both at 25 weeks my other baby lived for 5 weeks and died on thanksgiving night unexpectedly. Im absolutly devastated looking around knowing three of my friends were pregnant with me two r still pregnant the other had her baby and im left with nothing but memories….i had an emergency c section in oct when i had them. In my heart i want to ttc as soon as possible my dr wants me to wait til after my cycle this month. Like i no this is what i want but im sooo scared i just want a healthy baby i can bring home and give all my love to. Not to replace my girls but to give them a sibling