1. I am not trying to replace the baby I lost.
I am trying to conceive a new baby, and have a new pregnancy, with a different outcome. I am not wanting to rewrite history, but instead trying to hope for the present and future while still grieving. I am trying to conceive after a loss.
2. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get pregnant.
I sometimes feel as though I failed because I had a pregnancy loss. I know I’m really not a failure but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like one.
3. I miss being pregnant and the innocence I had before a loss.
I loved the carefree days of my pregnancy, where I didn’t know anything could go wrong. I miss having a big beautiful belly with life growing inside of it. I miss the smiles from strangers and people congratulating me on my baby. I miss the days where I wasn’t aware of pregnancy loss, and words like stillbirth weren’t part of my vocabulary.
4. I’m disappointed that it’s taking so long to get pregnant again.
I wish I could get pregnant right away, or as soon as my doctor gives me the go ahead. Getting pregnant again is not as easy as it was before my loss.
5. Even though I want to be pregnant again so badly, I know I’ll be very scared if it actually happens.
I want to see that plus sign appear more than anything else, but as soon as it happens I know the anxiety and fear will come, and I want to be able to manage it in a healthy way. I know my feelings will waver between excitement and fear.
6. I may have to make the decision to take a break from trying to conceive.
My heart and my head may not be able to keep up with the pressure to get pregnant. I think about it all of the time, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. Taking a break doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’m recognizing that a break is part of the process of trying.
7. I don’t have everything figured out if I get pregnant again.
I don’t know what my birth plan will be. I don’t know how I will tell my baby about the loss before him. I don’t know if I will want to share my pregnancy right away. I do know it’s ok to not know the answers to these questions or to change my mind.
8. My partner and I have differing opinions on when to try to conceive.
My partner is scared and grieving, too, and may not be ready when I am. We both need to be prepared to try, and if we’re not, we need to support each other without frustration. The stress this creates makes trying to conceive after a loss even harder than trying to conceive by itself.
9. I’m bitter that I’m trying to conceive again; I should have a newborn.
I’m angry that I’m back to the beginning again, and I’m frustrated that I’m buying ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests when I should be buying things for my baby.
10. Trying to conceive after a loss doesn’t mean I don’t love the baby I lost.
Grieving doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to hope for a new pregnancy. My heart is big enough to love AND grieve. A pregnancy after loss doesn’t discredit any of the love I had for previous pregnancies.